Haruhi Isolated
by Killer300
Summary: Imagine if Haruhi has already had alien contact. Imagine that she now has no reason to deal with Kyon. All of this and more in this exciting re-imagining of the series! Please read and review.
1. Haruhi Isolated

Haruhi Isolated

I never understood people, and probably never will. To fill the time most people fill with social life, I'm obsessed with the paranormal. Aliens, time travelers, and even espers are my forte. Ghosts, not as much ever since I became atheist however that did little to damper my interests. I love conspiracy theories too, from Roswell and Area 51 to a world government. Why? I don't know and don't really care at this point. I constantly go out at night to look for aliens, and have a massive map in my room of sightings. If they're out there, I will find them. Unless they inhabit people or disguise as them, than I may never find them.

Why? Well, not only do I not understand people, I refuse to deal with them. I rarely, if ever, speak at school. Home is similar, mainly because I communicate mainly through the Internet. Online, I have a few friends, who constantly talk to me about conspiracy theories and alien sightings. The latter have been increasingly lately by the hundreds. Why? I'm not sure, but I'm determined to find out. I've sighted a couple dozen myself recently. I use a trick that seems to get the aliens every time. If you position a set of lights, one red, one blue and one green. You shine them in a special pattern, and the aliens will come every time. I'm not kidding here; an alien ship flies towards you and hovers a couple of meters near me frequently.

Now, this method does have problems. For one thing, they only stay for about 30 seconds before they leave so you have to be ready. Secondly, there cannot be too many nearby lights, which requires one to get very far away from the cities. A passing car with rather bright headlights can screw all this up so you have to stay away from the roads too. Finally, the images always come out strangely because the aliens know how to manipulate cameras it appears. Yeah, prepare to have images that look like they came out of a drug nightmare. But, I've used this method many times to photograph aliens. Too bad the only place I can do it is a field a kilometer away from the city and the roads.

Speaking of which, I remember the first time I saw aliens out there. It was amazing. I was going on something mentioned in a forum. It could have just been worthless, but it worked out. I almost gave up on it, but the aliens came at the last moment. I was ready though, and was able to FREAKING FILM IT! I put the video up on YouTube afterwards. It was removed by some strange organization for some reason. My parents also confiscated the video camera from me and threatened to do much more if I ever left again. I, of course, refuse to follow that. It was from that video an organization called Leviathan found me. Now, I'm an official member and we share secrets with aliens.

The amount I've done now confirms aliens to me too much. I've done more than just take pictures and film; I've been abducted before. I intentionally let them kidnap me, and got them to do so through a strange device I got off of Ebay. I tried the device outside, and it worked much better than I expected. I thought that at best it would cause aliens to arrive who would then quickly retreat. Instead, I was abducted by them and placed into their ship for 10 minutes. There, they spoke to me, and the way they sounded confirmed our alien friends were robotic in nature. They all came from something called, "The Data Integration Entity," and currently, it watches the Earth passively for the most part. They told me to bring a boy named Kyon to the field so they could abduct him during Winter Break the following year. When I got back, I communicated with Leviathan what I just experienced. They promised to immediately send an agent to help bring Kyon to the place during Winter Break and that my abduction was the first time they had found a proper device for it. It's too bad that the device only worked once and the following day, exploded. When I mean exploded, it blew a hole three times the size of our house into the ground.

I myself was thrown a couple kilometers by the explosion and landed on top of the apartment by family lives in. Okay, not exactly great, but being abducted by aliens made it worth it! I remember the pledge I made in Leviathan.

_If they torture you, show your wounds._ _If they teach you, spread their teachings. If they mutate you into another being, embrace your new self. If they abduct you forever, adapt to a new life. If they want to destroy humanity, defeat them. If they make you insane, make your own sanity. If they kill you, have no fear. For encounter can only strengthen us. Society may laugh, cry, or hate us, but we will continue on. For we are Leviathan, and we don't ever give in. _

Now, my parents did give me hell for it, and I still feel sore for the constant running I must do in order to reach the field I do this all that. But, it was worth it and my pledge only confirms this. I later discovered that device was freaking nuclear because the area sealed off and there were apparently worries about fallout. Okay, I didn't expect to get off of eBay a device that is nuclear and probably illegal somehow under international law but hey, I'm willing to deal with the unexpected. My parents apparently don't believe my side of things despite a FREAKING NUCLEAR EXPLOSION nearby. Are they really that jaded? I guess.

Anyway, after being thrown a couple of kilometers among other things, I had to deal with school starting. My parents were displeased with me going to just an average school despite my brains. Well, I don't care. Look, chances are by the time I get to college, the world will enter a nuclear holocaust brought by a special terrorist group currently occupying Russia seeking vengeance against the United States for various reasons I care very little about. Yes, Leviathan knows of this group and doesn't do anything because we don't care. We couldn't stop them even if we wanted to.

I enter school and feel, bored out of my mind. We were told to introduce ourselves so I decided to go ahead and screw with them some. "Hi, I currently work for an organization called Leviathan. Also, we shall all be destroyed by nuclear weapons in 4 years. Don't worry about it for there is nothing you can do about it. That's all."

For the next couple of weeks, I would just stare out the window, not really caring about the class did. I was looking forward to Winter Break, when Kyon would be abducted. Especially now because he is FREAKING ANNOYING! I hope they experiment on you, I really do. He just keeps on talking and talking no matter how many times I tell him to shut up. He's trying to be friends with me I think or some bull crap like that. I really don't care, not anymore.

Besides that, school was just boring. I understand the concept of school, however I guess knowing what I do kind of makes it impossible. My parents soon hear about my lack of concentration yet I make high grades and, of course, they hear about Leviathan. They would go after my computer, but I long ago hid my laptop with its Internet connection in a safe place with Internet connection. How does it have Internet connection and how do I pay for it? Well, the former comes from another device from eBay believe it or not, and the latter is that its now free for me. I may have to worry about being arrested one day however I probably would get the death penalty with what I know. Not the normal kind of death penalty either, they would kill me in an "accident." Hey, I know most of the world would be killed along with me later so I don't care very much.

So, what do my parents do instead? Well, not much really. They can't ground me because of ways I have of leaving the house. They try being preachy towards me instead, but they realize it has no effect anymore. They tell me I should be a better person, but I don't care anymore about them. They tell me to stop wasting my time, but I don't care anymore. They tell me that I will regret this all later, but I don't care anymore. When I left my room despite special locks on my door and warnings of physical punishment, they just gave up. The latter never happened because they realized it would do nothing except get them arrested.

Now, I've also met time travelers. Leviathan also deals with time travelers. I've even time traveled to World War 2, the Cold War, and the post-apocalyptic future. I've met time travelers a plenty too, and know that eventually humanity rebuilds out of Russia into a utopia or something. Does it concern me? Nope. The time travel itself does though. I don't have a time travel device myself, that role is left up to other Leviathan members usually. I just have happened to get caught up in the ride sometimes.

Now, this might matter because we need to make absolutely sure the abduction of Kyon goes properly, even if that means going back quite awhile. That would suck, but I'm willing to deal with it to ensure the aliens get to have Kyon. In return, we later learned from another abduction, they will enter a special relationship with us. I, with the rest of Leviathan, will get to meet the Data Integration Entity. We will truly take a huge step forward for humanity.

This should all go as planned now. What could possibly happen to interrupt it? What can happen when we can just do it over? Erasing any mistake with the power of time itself. After all, we are Leviathan for a reason.


	2. Haruhi Enraged

Haruhi Enraged

Okay, I'm now having a REALLY bad day. I've been told that Kyon must willing go to the field because otherwise, serious problems will occur. Something about something called the U.N. keeping tabs on the area because of the nuclear incident or something like that. Yeah, it was hazy because the World Government conspiracy was catching one of our members while he communicated to me. Well, now we will need to peacefully send Kyon to the field under the cover of U.N. agents. Suits are being delivered soon, but before that, I need to 'convince' Kyon to help me.

So, how will I do this? Well, I consider asking for a mind control device but know that even we are 'above' that. Okay, people being preachy with morality are all hypocrites. The United States commits more terrorism than all the countries in the Middle East combined. Yet, they keep on claiming they are 'above' terrorism. Anyway, we don't do mind control really because it's impractical. Brainwashing takes months and requires special conditions that can be expensive to produce. Devices for it are either locked in Area 51, which is the alien/experimental technology storage place of the U.S., or cost millions of dollars on eBay. We are currently recovering from the financial loss of the nuclear device so can't afford that. Besides, somehow I think the aliens don't want him mind controlled.

No, our decided solution is to form a club. They tell me an agent will be sent to help with the formation and upkeep of the club. His name is Itsuki, and I'll know him when I see him. I guess he will be a mysterious transfer student than. Anyway, I needed to make preparations. I already knew what I needed, a clubroom and to move tons of crap into it. I have no idea how I'll get Kyon to join though. He has finally started to leave me alone right when I need him. However, he is still trying, just in a different way. That jerk knows how to manipulate people when he needs to it appears. He currently holds out an offer to help me create a club. Yeah, whatever, I see right through you Kyon. He probably has been asked to by another conspiracy called the Illuminati to help capture me. Yeah, they secretly control the entire world through a combination of NAFTA and the World Bank.

So, what's my solution? Kidnap him and make sure he doesn't have the Illuminati using him or brainwashing him. Then, I'll have him in my club. I'll explain everything to the Data Integration Entity when I get there. I'm sure I can smooth over any problems we have, he is just a massive supercomputer that has existed for thousands of years. It will be easy. Getting Kyon into the club is the hard part.

To, execute my plan, the following day I slammed his head against his desk and then dragged him out into the hallway. There, I told him that he needed to help me make a club. All I really had him do was go and learn the rules; I already knew which clubroom to get. There was some chick named Yuki there, but she was practically an accessory to the room. It is fine with me if she wants to read all day, as long as she goes along with the whole club thing. Now, for another member, I would just kidnap some moe looking girl so that I can fill out the club. Should be easy to pull off all things considered.

Soon, I find that girl who will be our mascot. Her name is Mikuru, and damn is she HOT! She has breasts bigger than mine despite being shorter, and she is adorable in everything she does. Her clumsiness only enhances her sexiness. Hey, I'm straight, but I'm just admitting the obvious. A nun in Italy who was raised on chastity and the bible could see that. Anyway, it's molesting time! Okay, not that bad, I just drug her into the clubroom, stripped her, and put her in a bunny outfit. Is that really so bad? Okay, sure she was screaming, "no," the whole time and I think Kyon evacuated the room quite quickly, but it wasn't really that bad. Your parents have probably put you through much more embarrassing things than that.

After I changed Mikuru, we left to go outside where we would pass out fliers. I might as well try to warn people about the coming nuclear apocalypse in four years, tell them of aliens, and most of all, introduce them to Leviathan. They will probably laugh at me and send me to detention, but I'll try anyway. Besides, there is a lot to be said for using sex appeal to enlighten the masses. Seriously, one time this chick warned people about the Illuminati by talking about it naked on YouTube. That video got 100,000,000 hits within a week. Now, the guys might have been staring at her massive breasts rather than listening to the video, but hey you got to do it somehow.

How did the flier thing work out? Not too well. I was able to pass out a couple hundred fliers, but we both got sent to detention later. Fortunately, I just busted out with a special device I have. It erases people's memory, and disorients them. Sure, it is really just a rather powerful flash bang that also turns room yellow for some reason as a weird side effect, but hey, it only cost 20 bucks on eBay. I've seen people selling a piece of hair for a lot more than that there.

Anyway, it's time to now go home and get abducted by time travelers! Quite easy really if you do it properly, really! Now, the way you do it is travel near a power plant. You see, time travelers from the past had a very serious problem; they would automatically end up near sources of lots of electricity regardless of their starting location. This has something to do with the tachyon particles sometimes getting attracted to power plants or something. I happen to travel to the nuclear power plant in Tokyo to find them. Now, sadly many of them will be killed by it. You see, 99% of time travelers get killed by where they appear. Many used to land inside coal plants, or rather when people travel too far in the past. Now, they have the all too frequent possibility of landing near nuclear power plants. The high amount of particles excited there really causes them to appear in high numbers. Yeah, being around a nuclear power plant isn't really the best thing these days. The Chernobyl meltdown kills people all across time.

When I went there, I was able to get a guy from 1938 to avoid killing himself. You see, people have been time traveling since 1920. You see, most of them die so don't share their invention. The remainder hate the future so much they kill themselves. This is either because they are bigots so don't like civil rights, or are disgusted by the lack of progress when it comes to things like peace, economic rights, and that Africa is still starving. Not surprising, but they need to realize that you should try CHANGING THINGS! Although, that is actually how Hitler and Stalin came about. Well, the first came from that anyway. Stalin is actually just a normal sociopath. They aren't all bad though; Harvey Milk possibly came from a similar source from an accident on his ship while he was in the navy.

But anyway, when I get there, I meet a time traveler from the year 1953. He, apparently, is doing an experiment for the Soviet Union. When he discovers that the Soviet Union fell, he is pretty pissed. I decide to console him by telling him he can maybe try to change things so it won't fall when he gets back. I tell him how, make the Soviet Union a special mixed economy to beat the United States, and in return, I go back with him briefly. I take a photo that I can get 100,000 dollars for on eBay, and then I return to the present. Now, I seriously doubt that guy could really affect things. It isn't like he can actually affect things.

Okay, to ensure people like fanatic anti-communists and the average American these days, the chance that a time traveler can change the past significantly is 1 in 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 at least. So, do you really think that I am jeopardizing the past by telling this guy that? Probably not, considering the odds I just told you. There is a higher likelihood of buying the future of the stock market on eBay. Leviathan even did it once successfully and we made millions of dollars from it. Too bad we lost half of it from an incident that involves an airborne version of Ebola and a chick with serious hormone issues, but that's a tale for another time. Like never because it will probably get me thrown into a jail that would not get touched by nukes, meaning I would die all alone. That would suck wouldn't it?

Anyway, after that, I got home and after selling that photo on eBay, went to sleep. I'm not worried about anything really. After all, what can happen in a world with secret nuclear reactors the size of Manhattan and a woman whose special day of the month causes kids to die in China?


	3. Haruhi Annoyed

Haruhi Annoyed

Okay, I woke up and there was a serious problem. I went to class in the morning and realized that the computer needed to get here much faster. Why? Well, a fellow member of Leviathan informed me that we would come under attack by the Illuminati because we started a Socialist revolution in El Salvador. They don't realize that was a complete accident involving an alien ship and a chick high on a drug that would make adrenaline seem like caffeine by comparison, but conspiracies are notorious for not being understanding these days. That chick by the same way is the same one who caused us to lose millions of dollars earlier. Yeah, she causes lots of problems. Probably something to do with being trained from birth in martial arts and having her father rape her some. Why? I don't know, I guess he was a pedophile or something. Least he isn't as destructive as his daughter.

Anyway, I used a special teleportation device I happen to have, yes this came from eBay too, and used the computer to then program a bomb the size of my laptop that could take out New York City. How? Well, it's full of anti-matter of course. Well, okay, most of it is actually stuff to contain the anti-matter, but the part that has anti-matter could still easily take out New York City. Now, what's interesting is this only cost 100 dollars on eBay. You see, the government has actually already figured out how to make anti-matter at the cost of cents. So actually, if you invest properly, you can get anti-matter to blow up your hometown. Just be prepared to program it so it doesn't off too early.

Now, the bomb I set up so if I died it would go off. You see, I put it on me so that it will be with me EVERYWHERE! Yeah, take that Illuminati, how are you going to strike me now? Do you have a way to cover up Tokyo being blown up and do you have a way to make up for its loss? Probably not. So HA!

Anyway, soon Kyon came in but Mikuru was missing. Yeah, I don't mind too much. Mikuru just annoys me really; she would be worthless in a conspiracy. No, it's now Kyon I'm worried about. Specifically, slamming his head into a desk so it doesn't get blown off by a sniper outside. I did it just in time too because ripped through the window and hit the computer which it bounced off of harmlessly. Yes, I have a computer that is bullet proof. Okay, the bullet did ricochet off the computer and blow someone's brains out so I did screw up a little bit. However, I discover the person who shot it was that chick from earlier who was high. Not only that, she apparently can teleport now because she suddenly is in the room now. What followed was, kind of stupid.

Okay, I beat her up with a jacket. I rapidly threw a jacket into her face and once I bagged her head with it, threw her out the now destroyed window. The person's whom the bullet killed was apparently a teacher's pet I know. SWEET! I mean, sure his corpse will be a bitch for someone to clean up later and I'm sure there will be a huge ass funeral that I won't care about but hey, at least I know Hell's Fist won't be attacking. Who's that? Oh don't worry, they are just a bunch of Satanists who might possibly have nuclear weapons but who doesn't these days? I know a kid down the block who has an ICBM aimed at a girl who dumped him over the Internet in Chicago right now ripping off a man stuffed with cash. Seriously, he got it off eBay for about 300$ because the Russian Federation felt sorry for him. Why? I have no idea; I just know the kid treats that inter continental ballistic missile like his best friend. Considering his new girlfriend is a cyborg who can throw a car like a soft ball and is 60% metal, I'm not surprised. It is actually kind of sweet because she used to be a cancer victim until he healed her with machines. Too bad she now acts like his bitch regardless of the situation. Fortunately, he isn't a very sexual person usually, probably because he is covered in burns so sex is usually painful for him.

Anyway, all this freaked out Kyon. Me, not so much considering that chick has tried to kill me at least 300 times by now. Also, I've had approximately three thousand attempts on my life in the past three years. Remember kids; don't screw around with massive conspiracies if you don't want to have to learn how to dodge bullets and learn the weird secrets of eBay. I do, you have to anticipate when the person will pull the trigger to dodge just in time. Works almost every time once you get good at it. I have plenty of practice considering the amount of times people have tried to blow my head off with sniper rifles lately. Back to Kyon, he of course went off into a massive tantrum like a six year old about the bullet and the person who got killed. Look, just because you got shot at doesn't mean you should yell about it, especially if the person saved you from the bullet. Instead, you should thank the person, buy some explosives on eBay, and then set them off in the shooter's house. That will teach them, and it will spare your savior the temper tantrum of a child.

Now, after all that, I briefed Kyon on the basics of constructing a Molotov so that he would be ready for possible attacks by the Illuminati. Besides that, I also briefed him on the importance of watching the anime CLANNAD. You see, in the first episode during a selected scene, there is a hint that will eventually lead to discovering the homepage of the Illuminati. The bravery of Key will not be forgotten! Once Kyon discovers the homepage, he shall be enlightened and will soon be a great helper for the advancement of the free love movement. Okay, that part may sound strange but lets just say the Illuminati are anti gay rights and modern feminism because of their political agenda involving the Catholic Church heavily. So remember kids, when you vote for Gay and Women's Rights, you are voting against the Illuminati.

After all that, I went home and built a machine pistol blind folded. After that, I hacked into the Illuminati and stole 10 million dollars to use in the construction of a mega death robot that uses energy weapons to destroy missiles and cities. That might sound ludicrous considering there are aircraft that cost 100 million dollars however those really only cost 1 million dollars. The government uses the rest of the money to fund special programs like super soldiers, anti-matter, and nuclear power plants the size of Manhattan deep underground. Anyway, a small company called Rebel Inc. in three days for the payment will complete the robot for me. The robot will probably be about as tall as a skyscraper and will be ICBM proof so I don't have to worry about that kid down the block. By the way, that kid got the parts for his cybernetic girlfriend from Rebel Inc. because they were having a special sale that week. Why? The Japanese economic crash so it decided to reduce its inventory heavily. Everything from cybernetic parts, Anthrax bombs and mega death robots to armies of intelligent monkeys that come with plasma rifles were on sale. Capitalism at its best here kids, considering that no government or charity would willing give you this stuff. Okay, maybe Goodwill on a really bad day but even they will only give you hyper intelligent cats with AKM assault rifles, what fun is that?

To finish the day off, I practiced some kickboxing while thinking up ways to prepare for the arrival of the aliens we love so dearly. Sure, they are probably horrified some by the weirdness our world has hidden beneath the surface but I'm sure they will get used to it. After all, is a world with anti-matter storages under all the major cities and the Republican Party really so bad? Okay, the latter really sucks but I won't get into that. Lets just say the USA has a party involved in human trafficking so that it can fund mind control on the state of Texas. Yeah, kind of sucks doesn't it?


	4. Haruhi Having Fun

Haruhi Having Fun

Well, the day started rather boring. All that happened in the morning of note was getting a report that Leviathan has just been attacked by the Illuminati who were using rednecks equipped with shotguns. Why? Well, they're cheap and don't need to be mind controlled. Unfortunately for them, and luckily for the rest of us, it's very easy to outsmart them. Really, we just used an old death robot in storage, which had been aging for about 60 years. What? They had them in the 50s, they were just different. They ran on fission reactors that had the possibility of meltdown, no big deal. Look, you are probably at more risk of getting cancer in L.A. than from a death robot. You also may be more at risk of getting killed, however that's more because of special droids that kill citizens who had found out about the mind control device that is used by Republicans in Texas. Why would citizens of L.A. know this stuff? I don't know, something to do with a blog called, "Eye Opener," which currently reports on the Illuminati. How? Why an army of super intelligent mice that can speak English obviously. You can get them off of eBay for about $100. That's one million mice per $100 you spend so order now. You would be helping out Leviathan which is a little stripped of cash lately. We'll even include a free box of plastic explosives to help you start a revolution. Remember kids, helping Leviathan will help bring about alien contact. It might also cause the price of bananas to go up a little bit because South America will become Socialist and say screw you to the U.S. in regards to cheap stuff, but come on, sacrifices have to be made.

Anyway, the day got much better when I learned that Rebel Inc. just announced that production of Mega Death Robots has been made 50% faster by vastly improved technology with regards to production of fusion reactors that Mega Death Robots run off of. So actually, my Mega Death Robot will arrive tomorrow afternoon. I could barely contain my excitement at the prospect of being able to blow up Illuminati soldiers nearby. I mean, sure there might be complications involving innocent bystanders and that Mega Death Robots are listed as an environmental hazard by the Green Party which has orbital weapon strikes and eco-friendly super weapons that include the Ebola virus and mind controlled Alaskan citizens who opposed the new carbon tax. The latter happen to carry portable anti-matter warhead launchers that have extremely good homing technology so shouldn't be screwed around with.

But those are trivial matters compared to the now very pressing problem facing Leviathan. The Illuminati just kidnapped Kyon, I knew his little sister was mind controlled, and currently is being tortured by a mix of the Transformer movies and the electric chair. I do feel sorry for him, mainly because of the former. The latter actually isn't so bad by comparison because at least the pain will end! The former still haunts my mind. How dare you Michael Bay destroy such a good franchise! Fortunately, OAF will soon turn him into a homeless person with permanent blindness and brain damage. OAF by the way is the Organization of Angry Fans. Don't screw with them. You really don't want to know what weapons they have. Leviathan once criticized Akira and soon found itself having to evacuate the Northern section of Japan because of energy weapons powered by anti-matter and fan boys with speakerphones. Oh the pain caused by hearing fan boys yell into speakerphones, I still hear them in my head, torturing me in my nightmares. Seriously kids, don't screw with OAF, it will destroy your sanity!

Anyway, when school finished, I decided to brief the club on a brand new objective, manning the Mega Death Robot. Really, we just dance on it while it did the work for us. Itsuki arrived, and was put to work setting up how we would get out of school. He decided that if we told OAF about the school board banning anime logos on backpacks would motivate them. It might also turn the Student Body into die hard otakus through anime so awesome that it causes people to faint in ecstasy from the awesomeness on screen. They will become helpless worshippers of anime, and the true future rulers of the world will emerge, the anime industry. Let us hope they are merciful, for they control the most powerful conspiracy on Earth, OAF! Speaking of which, we signed a deal with them after the Akira incident that we would help each other out, considering aliens would allow for world peace, the end of millions of conspiracies, and most importantly, allow the anime industry to have a MASSIVE AUDIENCE! Without trivial things like wars, famine, diseases, and corporate abuse threatening them, they can reapply their energies to ANIME!

Now, with all this arranged, we called OAF, told them the plan, and then set went home. Over all, this has been an extremely productive day. We will soon be riding on a Mega Death Robot while dancing to celebrate the awesomeness of Mega Death Robots! Not only can they blow up stuff with energy weapons, take hits from ICBMs without missing a beat, and crush armies beneath their feet, but they can also now upload MP3 files to listen to while you watch the destruction below. It took hard work, but the company was able to pull it off. They had to find a way to give their listener great sound without damaging their ears and, more importantly, not accidentally dancing off the top of the Mega Death Robot. Rebel Inc. cares deeply about customer satisfaction, it being shown through their inclusion of warning labels on boxes full of super intelligent monkeys, giving free anti-matter grenades out to teenagers who ordered the new Revolution Starter Kit, and finally, giving special deals to loyal customers like me that allowed me to afford the brand new Brain Washing 3000 Radio! What is the Brain Washing 3000 Radio?

"Tired of that annoying kid down the block who keeps yelling at you? Tired of that newspaper boy who keeps missing so regularly? Do you want your spouse to give a little more in your relationship? If any of these are the case, you will love the Brain Washer 3000 Radio! It will turn annoying kids into your personal servants, make that newspaper boy much more accurate, and make that spouse give you anything you want. All you have to do is not share the latter over the Internet; we are tired of legal scandals involving mind control, and a SINGLE easy payment of $299.99. That is $299.99 with no tax and free shipping as always. Order now, before we run out of stock again." The advertisement from Rebel Inc. said.

Tomorrow is going to be the BEST DAY EVER! Mega Death Robots, blowing up another copy of Transformers by Michael Bay, and dancing to really awesome music. What more could one ask for? Well, I guess silly things like world peace, universal healthcare and clean drinking water, but who cares about that? Not Leviathan. It doesn't try to suppress them, unlike some people, but it really just wants to discover aliens. So, to clear up any confusion, we are just your neighborhood friendly alien discovering conspiracy that really could use some money right now. So please order that box of mice. Don't you have a girl you want to peak at in the shower or something? Or guy for all you girls out there. Well, at least I know everything will be alright, considering we only living in a world full of super soldiers, fans with anti matter grenades and more conspiracies than there are registered sex offenders in the U.S. What? That isn't a weird analogy. I mean, both happen to have secrets to hide. Sure, the latter usually involve little girls but the former involve Mega Death Robots, anti-matter and various other things. So really, what's the real difference?


	5. Haruhi in Ectasy

Haruhi in Ecstasy

I'm so excited, with everything happening. I have a MEGA DEATH ROBOT! I mean, sure the Green Party might destroy me with an orbital strike from outer space. But hey, with the memory device that was briefly shown to the public in the movie, "Men in Black," anything is permissible. I could get a giant laser cutter, cut California away from the United States, and then wipe everyone's memory of California so that they think it was always this way. That was how the U.S. government got rid of the 51st state of the U.S. when it complained about military spending. Which state is this? I don't know, because my memory was wiped along with everyone else. I just saw a reference to it once in the deepest level of a government facility in Texas.

Anyway, time to man the Mega Death Robot! It arrived at school shortly after OAF brainwashed everyone. I got on it with the rest of the SOS Brigade. We got strapped in, and I started the standard program with it, DESTROY ENEMIES! We started walking towards where Kyon was held, under his house. Okay, I actually just crushed that on accident and he isn't there so I guess he is in Houston Texas now. It makes sense, ultimate place to keep him. Fortunately, this robot can fly! We blast off towards Houston Texas, blowing up any U.S. naval ships along the way. Eventually, after destroying 60% of the armed forces currently in Iraq, we got to Houston. Then, I decided it was time to party like it's 1999 by DESTROYING Houston. When the Robot was on the ground, it has more energy for its weapons, allowing us to destroy ALL of the suburban sections of Houston. Take THAT suburban development and Americans who don't have to live in cramped apartments. The whole time we were listening to the opening of, "Toradora," an anime I saw recently. It was GREAT!

After all that, we found Kyon tied underground. We aimed an extremely accurate blast that took out Kyon's evil little sister. Then, we picked up Kyon and flew back towards Japan. Along the way we sadly got hit by an orbital strike but fortunately, I got free jetpacks with the Mega Death Robot. How would the government explain the destruction of Houston? I don't know, another terrorist attack I guess. With 9/11, the Twin Towers had been infiltrated by Socialists who were about to broadcast a message from there that would've forced the U.S. to give citizens universal healthcare and stop having cheap bananas. Okay, the latter was kind of random but anyway, they will probably just claim Iran invaded somehow. They will anything to pass foreign policy these days.

Do I care? No, I'm happy for the U.S. government to clean up my dirty work for me. Anyway, we flew to Japan and stayed in a Leviathan bunker until we rebuilt the destroyed part of the city. Just as I thought, when I returned to school, everyone was a die hard otaku. They got better grades now, but they also didn't do sports at all and rarely studied. How do they have better grades? Why making their brains 50% more efficient through a weird surgery that doesn't cause any brain damage. It only causes one to be slightly more prone to random outbursts of violence, which can only be treated through frequent viewing of anime.

Anyway, Leviathan told me when we got out that we now had only three days until the time when the aliens would pick us up. It was already Winter Break because it took a month to rebuild Tokyo, a lot of that time was spent remaking exactly every single poster that advertised anime, and the rest of the time was just boring. The Illuminati had to have the United States invade Iran which lead to a nuclear exchange which lead to the Illuminati removing Iran from existence with anti matter bombs. Basically, the Illuminati fail at being a conspiracy now. It will soon be destroyed and replaced by, who knows what. Probably the Republican Party that currently serves under it but that might change. So, I had to prepare Kyon to be abducted in just three days. Fortunately, the radiation zone was treated and we no longer have to disguise as U.N. officials, so now I can just force Kyon to come along with me.

Those three days were spent in tension. I spent hours upon hours reading all the data about the aliens, using the Brain Washer 3000 Radio to get the boy next door to distract my mom with rather good ramen and most of all, preparing my portable particle accelerator. That ramen was filled to the brim with brainwashing chemicals that made mom forget all about that test I skipped recently. I had secretly taught him to make it with the Brain Washer 3000 Radio. That radio was one of the best purchases I ever made. It ranks up there with the awesomeness of a Mega Death Robot, a portable particle accelerator that can launch rounds at near light speed, and, of course, the anti-matter bomb I'm currently wearing. What else could a teenager ask for? Well, I mean besides anime, the essential entertainment while blowing up rednecks in Texas and Illuminati members. But besides that, I've got all a kid could ask for. Come on, haven't you dreamed of dancing atop a Mega Death Robot while an army of super intelligent mice and normal Death Robots conquer your enemies?

Finally, the day came. I got Kyon ready, and brought the rest of the SOS Brigade along. I brought along the weapon, before being reminded by Itsuki the aliens wanted us unarmed and unharmed. I tearfully went and fired it enough for it to overload and destroy itself. Oh the tears I cried while losing the Portable Particle Accelerator. Then, Itsuki spent the next hour taking away my machine pistol, sawn off shotgun, and a special one shot back up handgun that could rip through tank armor. He then removed the Invisible Brass Knuckles I wear at all times, which can adapt to your hand at any time, and the special katana I have that can cut through legions of tanks and heavy vehicles with ease. To top things off, he even made me take off my anti-matter bomb and my half dozen grenades that have a range of 150 meters with fragmentation that cuts through tank armor like a knife through hot butter. Oh the sacrifices to see the Data Integration Entity.

He himself only had to abandon a machine pistol and a standard issue anti-matter grenade. He apparently is so good at unarmed combat that he doesn't need melee weapons. Mikuru turned out to be a time traveler so gave up nothing because the society in the future is perfectly pacifistic through a mix of Public Service Announcements laced with subliminal messaging and the entire population living in a society where everything they could possibly want is theirs. Finally, Kyon had no weapons obviously except a special knife I hid with him. Itsuki looked at me disapprovingly, probably because he comes from the more peaceful part of Leviathan, and then got us all in the proper positions.

I was then lifted into an alien ship by the same method they always did, a beam of light that lifted us up. It felt amazing, even though we were paralyzed and Kyon was probably about to piss himself in terror. No, it was when we were inside and we met Yuki I got freaked out. She was an alien the whole time? Maybe I should pay more attention to silent people. I mean, all she did was read and only read harmless manga that would put her in a weak subdivision of OAF at best. Hmm, I guess she did talk like they did, in a very robotic fashion. Considering they are all robots except the Data Integration Entity, that isn't surprising.

Then, we were taken to the Data Integration Entity through a wormhole, it looks like Leviathan won that contest, and we were put in a strange room that made one feel like they were looking over the entire galaxy, if not the universe. Then, I heard a voice. The very first thing it said was, "Haruhi, why are you so unsatisfied?"


	6. Haruhi Educated

Haruhi Educated

"Haruhi, why are you unsatisfied?" The voice asked me. What did it mean unsatisfied? If it's my boredom with normal things, it should already know why as an intelligent alien, real life is BORING! No, he must be talking about something else, but what could it be? A secret code language perhaps?

Then, it said in response as if reading my mind, "Haruhi, why are you unsatisfied with the normal life. You have the potential to have lots of friends, perfect grades with little effort, and to be a master of athletics. Your parents both love you, even now, and many of your peers envy you greatly. So why is it that you create this world full of conspiracies, weapons of mass destruction, and governments that care nothing for their people? You created this world Haruhi, your boredom and your hatred of the normal life created it. Now, your parents are dead, killed in the crossfire, and a boy that used to love you hates you with every fiber of his being. What is you want Haruhi? What is you keep on trying to accomplish with this? Is it that you wanted to meet me? I am truly nothing compared to you, for you are as close as the universe has to a god. You are omnipotent, but only your subconscious is aware of it. So much is created from your boredom Haruhi, but even with this you have created a fail safe. That time traveler could succeed, if you want him to. But only if you want him to, otherwise he will fail as the rest have. The Soviet Union was the last hope for this world, and you destroyed it. Yes, you weren't alive at the time, but history is edited to match your mood. Yes, you were originally in a world where the Soviet Union lost, but that was a very different time."

He paused briefly, before continuing with, "The one real thing is the first time you spotted aliens. After that, you created everything. When the U.S. government deleted your video, you created thousands of conspiracies to explain everything. You created Leviathan to find us, the Illuminati to control everything behind the scenes, and you created everyone else to represent two sides. The first was that of what you consider Justice, which had Leviathan, all of its allies, and sometimes the Green Party. The second was of what you hated, so you put all the parent groups there, everyone wanting censorship, the Republican Party, really bad directors and even moderate right groups under the banner of the Illuminati. Is that what you want? A world of black and white morality? That is why you are bored perhaps, for more 'colors' in a sense would probably help. Maybe if you realized also that you don't have to have the paranormal to enjoy yourself. Anime proved that to you hopefully."

Seeing I was taking it all in, he finished with what he was saying, "Haruhi, you need to fix the world. You have the ability, have the Soviet Union dominate the world with Democratic Socialism. Add to it perhaps more colorful morality and you would be set. What happened that day you posted the video wasn't a conspiracy. The government simply wanted to keep a secret. It didn't need a complex conspiracy to tell it to do that. Yes, the military industrial complex still did exist and the U.S. government was perhaps wrong keeping the secret but it wasn't a massive conspiracy to rip off the people of the world. It didn't have anti-matter and nuclear power plants hidden underground. Yes, businesses did have too much influence but that was because of more normal politics. Money was the new power in the world, and businesses had plenty that they used to bribe politicians with. No, 9/11 was terrorists, but the U.S. did know it was probably going to happen. What you need isn't a conspiracy, what you need is to re-organize the world. Have the Soviet Union win the Cold War. Let the world not be separated by violence and business interests, let it be joined together through democracy and peace."

Everything he said was true. But, I had a damn hard time accepting it. I dropped to my knees and sobbed. I realized all the people I had sacrificed, all the lives lost to my infinite quest for something to entertain me. Leviathan realized what it was when the world stopped following any sort of logic. So, it planned this all out to make me realize what I was. I am a god that tortures its world. Millions of people praying all in vain, millions of people killed for nothing, and millions of people wanting to commit suicide when nothing they ever did changed things for the better.

So, I replied, "Yes, I will change the world. He shall succeed. The world will change for the better. Now, I will destroy myself. No more war, no more starvation, and no more pointless death. With all this, I shall die. The world is better off without a god."

I really believe it too. I did nothing for them, and god never has. I will obliterate myself; there will be no more praying or faith in mystical beings in this world. The experiment in god is pointless. Sorry, Kyon, my parents, and everyone else who I made pay so dearly for their love. I don't deserve to exist, for what did I ever do for this world?

I woke up the next day, despite everything. A note was on the bed though. It read, "Haruhi, you will always be god. It is your duty, and you have no choice in it. You can't wish yourself away. But, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy life. You can redeem yourself by making sure this world stays well. Remember, your powers work in strange ways. They alter reality, but they aren't obvious when they do it. So if you wish for hunger to end, everyone might lose their stomachs. Keep that in mind. Otherwise, ENJOY LIFE! It's okay for the Deity of this existence to enjoy life; it just needs to be responsible. Remember that." The Data Integration Entity had written.

After that, I walked outside. The world was beautiful. I kissed my parents goodbye, and had an amazing time at school. I discovered Kyon was my boyfriend and the SOS Brigade was just an anime club now. Life wasn't boring; the routine of it thrilled me. School was awesome, and the public viewed the government with a healthy skepticism, along with businesses. I also currently did track and the people loved me. Over all, the world was as close to perfect as anything I touch can get. It still had problems, population growth is a concern but now it can be fought by a united front. Global Warming isn't a problem because the entire globe uses green energy mostly, and population growth isn't too bad because people can be moved around to maximize population efficiency. Economic class is mostly gone, and warfare is non-existent. No place is intolerable, with Africa even being actually pretty good. Disease is non-existent, and no one starves. Obesity isn't even a problem because of how food distribution works, and that most people get to work on a bicycle. I'm satisfied now, and now I just need to watch over this all. After all, what can go wrong in a world with great mass transit, true equality, universal healthcare and a economy in the trillions of GDP not inflated?


End file.
